- Your bed is virtually divided into two zones. The first is filled with crumbs, shells, wrappers, and cores. And the second is where you sleep.
- In the morning you turn on all the devices that can make sounds: TV, radio, and even washing machine These are the only half-hours when the silence inexplicably, childishly frightens you.
- You have a brownie. His name is Goffredo, he’s Italian, he supports Parma, he loves pistachios, he wears Roper boots. He’s always fifteen minutes late and steals stale tiramisu from your fridge. He’s single. He has no criminal record. He’s invisible.
- When you’re in a cafe or office and suddenly discover that the restroom is already occupied, you’re suddenly thrown into an emotional rage.
- You sleep with a cat. And you don’t find it at all strange.
- When you’re bored, you take selfies: on the hallway floor, in the bathroom, on the kitchen windowsill. You’re not the least bit afraid of being branded a mindless photo-obsessed person with narcissistic personality disorder.
- You don’t have a broken Xbox, a weightlifting set with one weight plate, an out-of-tune bass guitar, or any other mysterious objects at home that you’d absolutely love to get rid of, but you’re like, “How can I th-ee-e-ss this? It’s a gift!”
- You haven’t eaten at the table for a long time.
- When you’re in a bad mood, you call your friend/boyfriend/mom. Instead of lashing out at them with damning criticism on live TV.
- You can afford to come to work in different socks. No one will notice anyway.
- You often eat from the same dishes you cook in.
- You don’t drink tea at six in the morning, you don’t watch TV shows you’re not interested in, and you can generally declare any part of the day “night,” even from eleven in the morning until five in the evening.
When you order delivery from an online store, you wait for the courier on the landing. Because you don’t want them to accidentally see the chaos in your apartment.
- You can open a door lock with your foot and turn on the light in the bedroom with your eyebrows.
- And, of course, your faucets are chronically leaky. Because, alas, among your 452 Facebook friends there are plenty of worthy, intelligent people: copywriters, photographers, designers, art directors, journalists, translators, screenwriters, account managers. But when yours leaks, you’re left alone in the world.
