When we fall in love, we begin to lie a little. Not on purpose. Almost instinctively.
We pretend to be thrilled about spending our entire Saturday at the botanical garden. Although, truth be told, we love plants no more than bearded bikers love the Twilight saga. We feign indifference to our loved one’s past. And secretly, we comb through every photo gallery on his phone for the twentieth time. We pretend to be a connoisseur of spicy Thai cuisine. Meanwhile, we wash down even Mom’s innocent adjika with a can of milk.
We do all this for reasons that are almost laughably simple: we want to be liked. To appear better, more subtle, more mysterious than we actually are. But even in the most flirtatious relationships, there must remain genuine elements, like a high school student’s interest in the cleavage of a young geography teacher. That’s precisely what we’re talking about now.
Love.
You have to be at least the brilliant Meryl Streep to be able to passably fake love 24 hours a day. To fake a heroically cooked omelet at six o’clock and a caring smile when it’s served. To fake knees shaking with excitement and eyes filled with silent tenderness. To fake the desire to always be close, to bear nine-pound children, to sacrifice everything you have… And, waking up in the middle of the night, to frantically grope in the darkness for that hand so dear to you, so tingling.
If you think you’re convincingly playing love, relax: you’re just already in love.
Orgasm.
Let’s not upset men, most of whom believe they can easily distinguish between real sexual ecstasy and the entrance exam to the Shchukin Theatre School. Of course they can. Of course, it’s in their beds that women forget even their phone PIN codes, not to mention the rules of voice modulation. Of course, such sharp vaginal contractions are physically impossible to fake.
But the fact remains: most spectacular female orgasms are as natural as tropical-flavored gum. Admittedly, they offer just as many benefits.
Loyalty.
Generally speaking, appearing faithful to a girl of normal intelligence is easier than dressing up as Verka Serduchka at a New Year’s party. You’d have to be a complete slob and a slowpoke to be caught red-handed. What’s so special about this? Deleting your message history promptly, not bringing lovers home, and not walking around the apartment with the expression of a sinner who’s fallen into the arms of Lucifer.
But being faithful is a completely different story. After all, no matter how fervently convinced you are to tell your loved one about your devotion, a small worm of doubt will still languidly smoke a cigarette inside you. And one day, it will whisper to you that love laced with lies is just a faded photocopy of a true relationship.
Fresh hair removal.
Yes, yes, that’s it. Unlike lofty feelings, perfectly smooth legs don’t come to us like a mysterious parcel from heaven. They must be fought for – with a vigorous tap dance, leaping over all your pain thresholds, the barriers of laziness, and the barriers of chronic sleep deprivation.
Perhaps this is why some girls prefer to complain about loneliness and misunderstanding, instead of simply… Getting up. Off the couch. And going. To get a wax. After all, the absence of stubble on your shins is much harder to fake than the absence of a lover in your thoughts.
Happiness.
It’s perhaps the only thing in the world that’s still made entirely by hand. Happiness is the most fragile handmade creation in the universe, an elusive masterpiece without authorship or reviews. Don’t try to fake it without experiencing it—otherwise, true happiness, wandering the world in search of you, will pass you by.
